find new things?
I can give myself the intellectual/hardcopy answer of = no purpose.
which does make sense.
without a purpose, everything goes ..... to nothing.
without some goal to look forward to, what is there to look to?
this is something that as far back as I can think to it, I've always felt.
somethings missing.
well maybe not that far back, I think sometime in highschool I really started to feel this.
I do feel happiness throughout my day, but its very fleeting. how do we hold on to those moments? and make them last?
my journals are filled with this question. and is there an answer?
- what is happiness?
- true contentment?
maybe I just have to force myself to like something.
i mean I really like music and to doodle. but ..... idk
ok, lets try to map this out.
I feel ....crapy.
why?
well im kinda sleepy and I have to work tomorrow.
that might be why
ok but I feel crapy alot.
hmmm..... how do you spend most of your time?
not very well. most is ... well its like this feeling of anxiety, or like I have to do something, example: like I have a meeting at 6pm and its 1pm right now so im just gonna wait around until 6. but its more Im working in feb, so im gonna do nothing until feb. maybe I need to get out more.
yeah you do spend alot of time to youself/indoors.
yeah thats true.
why not take a walk tomorrow?
hmm... I work tomorrow.
ok... .... thursday?
yeah I should be free then.
ok a walk it is.
------ end of brain and marten ------
hmmm.... actually maybe that is why, but even during stf, or before that. I still felt this way, and I was walking allday.
maybe I just havn't found what im looking for yet, and I also dont really know what it is im looking for.
well....
(this may sound depressing to those that read, but its just the way my mind works. Im not depressed and actually have a very high sense of self esteem. I also didnt write this to get any sort of pity, for some reason this helps me think, writing my thoughts in a sorta public setting)
hmm ... i'm feeling crappy too but i know it's because i'm studying for the bar. maybe, you're ready for the next adventure but you're just not sure what that is yet. so you're just living and letting the days go by and then it all kind of blurs. i bet once you have a goal, something you want to achieve, then you won't feel so crappy. i mean, it's definitely nice to slow down and take it easy (and it certainly is a luxury) but after a while ... at least for me, something inside of me starts yearning for more. lonely pangs are tough.
ReplyDeletei'm glad you have this blog.
thanks :)
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