take care of the radish when we are gone.

my grandfather past away two days ago.
I don't really know how I feel about it.
I'm not sure if I am more comfortable with death than I had thought.
Or maybe I wasn't that close to him.
I guess it's a combination of the two.
But I don't really feel much about the situation.
On one side, he lived a good long life, died peacefully surrounded by his family.
Sounds like a good way to go.
I feel bad for my grandma because she is now alone. But that's about it.

But I do feel pretty comfortable about death.
We all die. That's for sure.
But also death is not the end. So in that sense, why worry.
The only hard part is the people who are still alive.
You wont be there to take care of them, help them.

My wife and I were kinda joking about death the other day.
We were driving to work, and stopped at a railroad crossing.
The train light came on and the arms went down, but no train came.
The arms went back up, and as I started to proceed forward I made a joke something like: "Well at least we'll both be dead and it will be quick and painless".
We started talking about how we don't have kids that will become orphans or even a dog that someone would need to take care of. We do have a garden, but I think the vegs will live.

We have also talked about if one of us ever get's really sick what would we like the other to do.
Both of us thought it would be better to just die out in nature or somewhere peaceful, then drag on the slow process of death in a hospital. Maybe our views will change later on, who knows.

We live. We die. We live again.
sounds nice.

"mangoes in syrup"

one of my favorite Flying Circus sketches

quick brain / slow brain

quick brain / slow brain

I think similar to different personality types there are different brain processing types.
Or the speed at which something goes from though - idea - action

some brains are like car engines going down the highway. firing off in rapid succession.
smooth like smooth butter.

others are like "old faithful" (that geyser in that one park). it takes awhile, but eventually stuff comes out.
like...... a constipated.... old... person..

I definitely fall into the second category.
some times people will ask "Hey, how's it going?'
normal response: "great thanks"
"how are you"
(chatter chatter)

my response: "well........................................................................................................................................things............................are...................................................................................................good...............I..think............................yeah........................................."
other person: "please let go of my hand now"

I have now trained myself just say "doing good"
but in my head it's like "hmm... am I really doing good..........I wish I had some space to think this through."

There was one time during music class where the professor asked me what bands I like.
Normally, easy question.
but for me I was debating in my head things like:
does he want a modern band?
this is digital music production, maybe he wants the name of an electronic artist?
hmmmm..... what have I been listening to recently??????
knife party, yeah they are good, but do I like them enough to say that out loud????
but they are also not really a "band", he did ask for a band......
hmmm... there is that other band I like, but I don't really know the proper pronunciation of their name.
also only two members, maybe not a "band"
well more like one and a half members, yeah definitely not a band,

(at this point maybe a solid minute or more has past, the professor is standing waiting for an answer, I am standing, but I don't remember why I am also standing, I still haven't given an answer)
(a few more awkward seconds pass)
Prof: "you know what... nevermind. Anyone else have an band they like?"

thanks brain, you really pulled your weight on that one.



anyway just some thoughts.

bonnie prince billy -  i see a darkness



Well, you're my friend, (that's what you told me)
And can you see (what's inside of me)
Many times we've been out drinking
And many times we've shared our thoughts
But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live I won't let go
But can you see it's opposition, comes arising up sometimes
That it's dreadful antiposition, comes blacking in my mind

And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And did you know how much I love you
Is a hope that somehow you, you
Can save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday buddy
We have peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And pull the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
This isn't all I see

Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
And did you know how much I love you
Is a hope that somehow you, you
Can save me from this darkness

"The ring in my ears tastes like blood"

julien baker - something


I know you're sleeping by now
I'm still up walking around
The walls of my skull bend backwards
And in like a labyrinth

I knew I was wasting my time
Keep myself awake at night
Whenever I close my eyes
I'm chasing your tail lights

In the dark
In the dark
In the dark

I know you left hours ago
I still haven't moved yet
I knew you were gone months ago
But I can't think of anyone else

I should've said something, something, something
I couldn't find something to say
So I just said nothing, nothing, nothing
Sat and watched you drive away

I just let the parking lot swallow me up
Choking your tires and kicking up dust
Asking aloud why you leavin?
But the pavement won't answer me

I just let the silence swallow me up
The ring in my ears tastes like blood
Asking aloud, "Why you leavin'?"
But the pavement won't answer me

I know I meant nothing, nothing to you
I thought I meant something, something, something
But I just said nothing, said nothing, said nothing
Sat and watched you drive away

I just said nothing, said nothing, said nothing
I can't think of anyone, anyone else
I can't think of anyone, anyone else
I can't think of anyone, anyone else
I won't think of anyone else