Sometimes I get this feeling of immense dispair, or maybe it's more like dread. It's like this feeling that something bad is about to happen. That just around the corner my life will change for the worse.
Sometimes the feeling is more a thought. It's something like "nothing good lasts" "happiness is fleeting" "you've been happy too long and the bad stuff has been building up. It'sabout to come crashing down."
Eventually the thoughts fade. But I know they are still there. Biding their time.
Hmm, ...
Souvenir by boygenius:
Dreamcatcher in the rearview mirror
Hasn't caught a thing yet
Twenty dollars in souvenirs
Anything's worth trying
To stay out of your nightmares
Few hours in your dream last night
Always end up dying
You said because of course I did
Always managed to move in
Right next to cemeteries
And never far from hospitals
I don't know what that tells you about me
Pulling thorns out of my palm
Working midnight surgery
When you cut a hole into my skull
Do you hate what you see?
Like I do
Songwriters: Julien Rose Baker / Lucy Elizabeth Dacus / Phoebe L. Bridgers
Why not wash your hands?
You have just ejected waste products from your body. Then touched objects that most likely other people's waste biproducts have touched.
Yet, you do not feel the need to wash your hands before leaving the restroom?
This is why I don't want to shake your hand.
Or anyone's hand for that matter.
Who knows when you washed that last.
Wife says I should post more often.
Will try.
...
To commemorate this occasion I shall start with one of my favorite album openers.
" Eminem's gotta cuss in his raps to sell records. Well me too, so fuck Will Smith "
...
It's all about that money. Dolla bill y'all.
...
In tonight's news.
I changed departments at work, got a promotion.
Cleaned the pool. It's ready for the summer.
Thought about buying some beefeater. But misread the name as "defeater", then "befeater", until looking back at the name and seeing "beefeater "
All in a day's work.
...
I had this dream last night about a parasite that enters a humans body and slowly eats away all the organs. The parasite then replaces the eaten organ with it self. Allowing the body to live, and the parasite to live off the body
In this dream the victim is afraid and tries everything to rid himself of the parasite but is unable to. He eventually dies a painful death, but is brought back to life by the parasite.
After this the man slowly changes his views about the parasite. He begins to feel companionship and eventually trusts and befriends the parasite.
...
I don't know if I've complained about Eggs Benedict on here before.
So if not.
They suck. Never order Eggs Benedict.
You should only order EB, if:
You enjoy disappointment.
You hate breakfast foods.
You want to feel superior to your fellow diners.
You have been tricked by it's fancy sounding name. Just like the real Benedict Arnold.
It's an egg that it's a traitor among eggs and breakfast foods everywhere.
You allow it's sweet sounding name to entice you to order it, let it into your mouth and it turns around and stabs you in the back, or in the tongue, or back of the tongue technically. Well maybe not technically.
...rant complete.
Good day sir.
I think similar to different personality types there are different brain processing types.
Or the speed at which something goes from though - idea - action
some brains are like car engines going down the highway. firing off in rapid succession.
smooth like smooth butter.
others are like "old faithful" (that geyser in that one park). it takes awhile, but eventually stuff comes out.
like...... a constipated.... old... person..
I definitely fall into the second category.
some times people will ask "Hey, how's it going?'
normal response: "great thanks"
"how are you"
(chatter chatter)
my response: "well........................................................................................................................................things............................are...................................................................................................good...............I..think............................yeah........................................."
other person: "please let go of my hand now"
I have now trained myself just say "doing good"
but in my head it's like "hmm... am I really doing good..........I wish I had some space to think this through."
There was one time during music class where the professor asked me what bands I like.
Normally, easy question.
but for me I was debating in my head things like:
does he want a modern band?
this is digital music production, maybe he wants the name of an electronic artist?
hmmmm..... what have I been listening to recently??????
knife party, yeah they are good, but do I like them enough to say that out loud????
but they are also not really a "band", he did ask for a band......
hmmm... there is that other band I like, but I don't really know the proper pronunciation of their name.
also only two members, maybe not a "band"
well more like one and a half members, yeah definitely not a band,
(at this point maybe a solid minute or more has past, the professor is standing waiting for an answer, I am standing, but I don't remember why I am also standing, I still haven't given an answer)
(a few more awkward seconds pass)
Prof: "you know what... nevermind. Anyone else have an band they like?"
thanks brain, you really pulled your weight on that one.
anyway just some thoughts.
bonnie prince billy - i see a darkness
Well, you're my friend, (that's what you told me)
And can you see (what's inside of me)
Many times we've been out drinking
And many times we've shared our thoughts
But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live I won't let go
But can you see it's opposition, comes arising up sometimes
That it's dreadful antiposition, comes blacking in my mind
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And then I see a darkness
And did you know how much I love you
Is a hope that somehow you, you
Can save me from this darkness
Well I hope that someday buddy
We have peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And pull the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
This isn't all I see
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
And did you know how much I love you
Is a hope that somehow you, you
Can save me from this darkness
something I wish someone had told me a few years back:
Either go to school or get a job that has advancement opportunities.
But start now.
Right now.
Do something!
Either you will have a degree or (hopefully) be in a decent work position 10yrs down the road.
Currently in a position of neither.
kinda sucks.
well that's my life. Pretty dang exciting.
Frightened Rabbit - The Woodpile
Far from the electric floor
Removed from the red meat market
I look for a fire door
An escape from the drums and barking
Bereft of all social charms
Struck dumb by the hand of fear
I fall into the corner's arms
The same way that I've done for years
I'm trapped in a collapsing building
Come find me now, where I hide and
We'll speak in our secret tongues
So will you come back to my corner?
Spent too long alone tonight
Would you come brighten my corner?
A lit torch to the woodpile (aye)
Dead wood waits to ignite
There's no spark on a dampened floor
A snapped limb in an unlit pyre
Won't you come and break down this door?
I'm trapped in an abandoned building
Come find me now, where I hide and
We'll speak in our secret tongues
So will you come back to my corner?
Spent too long alone tonight
Would you come brighten my corner?
A lit torch to the woodpile (aye)
Come find me now, where I hide and
We'll speak in our secret tongues
it's that time of year again
where I start feeling more and more "what am I doing with my life and where do I want to go?"
"is school really what's best for me?"
"how much effort do I need to be putting into it?"
"if Indian food is so great, why do I always get explosive diarrhea the morning after?"
important questions indeed.
------
but life's been good.
Dan Mangan - Fair Verona
Turn the bars into cars
And wait for the lights to change
And take shape of people we used to know
'Til they grow less fond of knowing
And we can ride in the night
And discard all the facts on our backs
Remembering the thoughts we thought
Since we got over our parents
And if we go where we go
And don't tell anyone where we're from
We can cut and paste the stars to our hearts
And understand their language
And we won't spit with our mouths
Or draw lines in the dirt with our heels
And every single day we'll just wait
And hope to see the next one
If we go down too easy my dear
We'll still be the heart of envy of all our friends and peers
So I get home to my home
The thoughts are in my head
And my bed is full of things I left
When I left her here
And the light through the blinds
And through the windowpane in the lane
Where the fire is getting cold
For they have burned all of their belongings
And up the stairs there's a pair
Who like to be made sure
That they were everything they are
For they are sadly mistaken
Now I forget how we met
Those days have all passed
Now the cast is filing to the stage
In a rage and taking their places
If we go down too easy my dear
We'll still be the heart of envy of all our peers and friends my dear
To them we'll be has-beens
To them be rouge waves
To them be lost trains
Just posers posing
We'll leat with our eyes
And weep our goodbyes
And if that's what it takes
We'll both drink the Kool-Aid again
'Til we've forgotten where our hearts have been
'Til we've forgotten where our hearts have been
'Til we forget just where our hearts have been
When I lay down in bed, I feel as though my bones are creaking and twisting.
My knee especially. Don't know why but it's been really sore recently and I always feel the need to stretch it out.
I was listening to a pod cast at work about the power of expectations.
(i'll link it in this post)
it was 2 parts.
part 1 - can the expectations of lab rats, affect the performance of the rats.
One group was labeled "dumb rats"
The other group "smart rats"
The rats where them placed into a maze by the volunteer participants.
results: the rats label "smart rats" completed the task at an much sooner than the "dumb rats".
Were the rats any different, no. The difference was in the expectation of the volunteers.
part 2
Is the social impression we oppose onto blind people, preventing them from seeing?
... so sum things up, Yes.
Expectations are a very dangerous/powerful thing.
If an expectation is able to nestle itself into our mind, we essentially become a prisoner to that expectation.
and how are (sorry I was trying to do my punctuations and proper stuff, have have given up on that)
expectations handed off to us?
Im not really sure, but Im leaning towards
1. Love
2. beliefs
3. tradition
4. fear
1. Love
Love is something I have been thinking alot about.
What is it ? why do we need it/why do we crave/seek love?
I think im starting to come close to a conclusion but not 100%.
1st, try to forgot your concept/expectation on "love"
Instead of some mystical disneyish force, think of it as energy.
or a necessary physical element your body requires like food (energy)
Similar to food, air, water, (sunlight?) love is a form of physical energy our bodies need to "survive"
And similar to these natural elements (food, air, water) we need a constant supply or we get sick, or die. or something happens.
When love is absent from the body, we as humans begin to "die".
or when (similar to food/water) unheathly love enters the body, we can become sick, and possible die.
The difference between food and love is this:
Food is harvested and grown from outside or bodies, while love is something we personally give out/off. (it comes from within to out, as apposed to out to in)
The love we give off, is grown from the soil and water that is ourselves. But not only that it is also affect by the love we have received.
Think of a child as a plant.
This child developes it's ability to give, receive and harness love from his/her experiences and expectations growing up. Similar to the plant, food, water, sun, air. the child needs physical elements to survive and grow.
(this post is kinda going off topic, I'm not sure If i'll be able to get back on track)
So, how do we "eat" love?
For me I feel like, to say it in the most simple sense:
Love is anything that satisfies our desire/state of being.
How ever small or grand that satisfaction is, and also dependent our the level of desire (want/need).
Hungry (desire) eat burger (satisfaction) = love energy
Depressed (state of being) eat 100 burgers (satisfaction = love energy (but maybe not the best type of energy)
Depending on the love we ingest, effects that amount and type of energy received and processed by our body.
"Everyone is struggling to attain happiness and avoid misfortune. From the commonplace affairs of individuals to the great events that shape the course of history, each is at root an expression of the human aspiration for ever greater happiness. How, then, does happiness arise?"
or even simpler:
"Everyone is struggling to attain happiness."
Why?
This is something that had been in my head for a while.
From this I have come to the following questions/conclusions:
1.Why is happiness a struggle?
2. We as human beings are all standing in the same unfortunate circumstance.
1.
Life is an up hill battle because the world we live in in completely backwards of our natural state of being. If things were in their natural order, would we be happy all the time. No I don't think so. But I think happiness would be much easier to attain.
It would be like hiking on a hilly path, instead of trying to climb mount Everest.
2.
If this desire is something common of all people. What happened?
Our instincts tell us to be happy, and seek joy. But our world seems to only be dragging us down.
Something is very wrong with this situation.
As humans we have a natural instinct for survival. So lets say you are standing on a sinking ship.
a. If we had no instinct for survival, we wouldn't mind just going down and drowning. It wouldn't mean anything. It would be like sitting through tv commercials, just watching something pass us by.
b. But we are made with a built in instinct that says "You're about to DIE! DO SOMETHING!" So we get up, swim away, even possibly drown other people for the sake of our own self preservation.
Similar to the instinct to survive we also have instincts for joy and love. Yet we live in a would where, if you try to pursue that, it seems like the world is against you.
anyway, just some thoughts.
Come let's be gentle, be soft in my arms There's moonstorms been brewing and braying in the barns Your mother is sleeping, I'll play my guitar The twilight is keeping us close to the stars
Here's where the stories live, here with the peace Oh the kindly ol' night wrapped warm in her fleece Oh dream up a hot day, oh dream and be full Of Orion, his bow, the plough and the bull
Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling
Go trust in their strength for these are your friends And pledge in them now for their luck knows no end The bull looks a meanie but he's on your side And he pulls the plough which comes and divides
Put space in the heavens, Einstein's idea And he's your friend too, so nothing to fear Orion'll help there, his darts find the dark And all you need do is watch for his mark
Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling
The suns and the moons and the galaxies far Were cast from his bow before they were stars Oh and the gap in-between them is nothing to us Our eyes cut the distance as loving eyes must From me unto you, son, from dust unto dust
Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling Oh, my darling
I think my lack of sleep is starting to effect my daily life.
my bones ache and I cant focus.
everything feels cloudy.
I find myself listening to 70-80s sounding ballady pop music from the 2010s.
I forget to answer texts and email messages.
things are looking grim.
