cut a hole into my skull

Sometimes I get this feeling of immense dispair, or maybe it's more like dread. It's like this feeling that something bad is about to happen. That just around the corner my life will change for the worse.

Sometimes the feeling is more a thought. It's something like "nothing good lasts" "happiness is fleeting" "you've been happy too long and the bad stuff has been building up. It'sabout to come crashing down."

Eventually the thoughts fade. But I know they are still there. Biding their time.

Hmm, ...

Souvenir by boygenius:

Dreamcatcher in the rearview mirror
Hasn't caught a thing yet
Twenty dollars in souvenirs
Anything's worth trying

To stay out of your nightmares
Few hours in your dream last night
Always end up dying
You said because of course I did

Always managed to move in
Right next to cemeteries
And never far from hospitals
I don't know what that tells you about me

Pulling thorns out of my palm
Working midnight surgery
When you cut a hole into my skull
Do you hate what you see?
Like I do

Songwriters: Julien Rose Baker /  Lucy Elizabeth Dacus /  Phoebe L. Bridgers

"i used to be an only son" - Shakey Graves

-Writing on phone so typos and stuff -

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream and will one day wake up in a hospital bed or something.
And everything i had known, never existed.
And I would spend the rest of my life knowing happiness and having that all stripped away.

I was dreaming about something similar last night.

In the dream there would be times in my life where I would slip out of my "coma" and get a glimpse of "reality". It would just be flashes of images. I would be eating dinner, drop a spoon, go to reach for it, and an image of a dark room and tubes coming out of my arms. But then flash, and everything would be back to normal.
In the dream this continues till one vision where I see a needle approach my nose, i look around, "doctor his eyes", "it's just reflexes", then a hammer hits the needle. Clink* and I'm stuck in this new room forever. Unable to move or talk, just rotting away with my thoughts of my previous life.
---

Maybe it's a subconscious fear, that one day I will lose the things i love most and be in a situation where I live with that loss
---
The friend I had mentioned in the previous post ended up passing away.
At his memorial service, I didn't feel sad for him, in one sense I was happy he could finally be at peace. But it was his family and especially his finance that I felt sad for. I saw her as I entered the hall, i could physically feel her pain, I started to feel a little sick and the ground felt unstable like a small earthquake just hit. I wanted to say something, but there is really nothing I could have said. When all your hopes and happiness are taken away words don't really do so much. I think if were in her shoes I would go insane with grief. Dying isn't the hard part, it's living with death that seems most difficult.

no music for this post

Someone I know is very close to death.

Well I guess he has been for quite sometime.

But it feels like this is it.

It's a strange feeling.

Trying to look back and reflect upon their life. 

I wasn't really close to this person. 

don't know. 

...

Eventually we all will die. 

Life can be looked at as an escalator slowly carrying you to your death. 

If that's the case, life is just about enjoying the time you have.

Making the most out of life. 

Creating meaningful moments.

Why get hung up on regrets, tomorrow there may simply be nothing left. 

...

I do believe in the afterlife.

Though it sometimes seems cruel.

We live our lives trying to make the world a less miserable place, only to die. 

Maybe get a pat on the back. 

Or "Well you had a good run, thanks for playing, try again next year. I mean try again never. Ever"

or if you do die with a heavy burden, "Try again, for all eternity. Thanks for playing."

....

If someone I loved died. 

Even though I know "life" goes on. 

I would be devastated. 

I don't think I could function. 

I don't think I would blame God.

Maybe I would blame myself.

....

well I hope you make it through.

I hope you and your family are. Well I hope for the best. 

books and death

I finished the final book in a series of 13 books today.
It took me a couple months to finish reading the entire series.

It's strange the feeling of finishing a book feels a lot like the feeling of someone dying.
the book is over, the final page is flipped. yet you are left wondering and thinking of what else could be.
what else happens. but nothing happens. there is no end. just memories of things that happened before.
All you are left with are memories and "what ifs".

it's a strange unsatisfied feeling.
like a hole cut into your stomach and as much as you try to eat, you never get satisfied.
or as an author put, "It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
you desire more, but cant have it.
the satisfactions only comes when you allow yourself to face the truth.
that there is no more.
this is it.
this is the end.



















have a nice day