cut a hole into my skull

Sometimes I get this feeling of immense dispair, or maybe it's more like dread. It's like this feeling that something bad is about to happen. That just around the corner my life will change for the worse.

Sometimes the feeling is more a thought. It's something like "nothing good lasts" "happiness is fleeting" "you've been happy too long and the bad stuff has been building up. It'sabout to come crashing down."

Eventually the thoughts fade. But I know they are still there. Biding their time.

Hmm, ...

Souvenir by boygenius:

Dreamcatcher in the rearview mirror
Hasn't caught a thing yet
Twenty dollars in souvenirs
Anything's worth trying

To stay out of your nightmares
Few hours in your dream last night
Always end up dying
You said because of course I did

Always managed to move in
Right next to cemeteries
And never far from hospitals
I don't know what that tells you about me

Pulling thorns out of my palm
Working midnight surgery
When you cut a hole into my skull
Do you hate what you see?
Like I do

Songwriters: Julien Rose Baker /  Lucy Elizabeth Dacus /  Phoebe L. Bridgers

"Fun times in Babylon that's what I'm counting on"

Fun times in Babylon
That's what I'm counting on
Before the dam goes up at the foot of the sea
Before the new wing of the prison ribbon ceremony
Before the star of the morning comes looking for me

I would like to abuse my lungs
Smoke everything in sight with every girl I've ever loved
Ride around the wreckage on a horse knee-deep in blood
Look out Hollywood, here I come

Fun times in Babylon
Momma they've just begun
Before they put me to work in a government camp
Before they do my face up like a corpse and say get up and dance
Before the beast comes looking for last year's rent

I would like to abuse my lungs
Smoke everything in sight with every girl I've ever loved
Ride around my wreckage on a horse knee-deep in mud
Look out Hollywood, here I come
Look out Hollywood, here I come
Look out Hollywood, here I come

har-de-har-har-har

smile. it's friday

"To clean your knife and mend that snake-like tongue"

friday music.



Rose Windows - Season of Serpents


Her wingless arms are moving lines
Circling skies and wandering signs
Sensual trees are worrisome
Blessed is he that rests this song
She moves her arms to see the clouds
But gone is he and sorrow bound
Faced with the season of serpents
Damned by the gods; by her words
She mingles fiery silk and seeds
To grow that weed and lose the clown
Demons rise and fill the coat, put on his hat
And walk around
Faced with the season of serpents
Damned by the gods; by her words
Sing, oh soulless yearling and beg
Beg that shimmering star
To clean your knife and mend that golden crown
The weaver and I spun the wheel
Picked the loom and waited high
Slowly feeling that Northern breeze
The taste that we’ll defend this time!
Loose the heart that beating beast and
Move your hips across the ground
Faced with a reason to circumvent
The old styles and words
Sing, oh soulless yearling and beg
Beg that shimmering star
Sing, oh soulless seer and beg
Beg that painted eye
To clean your knife and mend that snake-like tongue
A page from a book, a word from her eyes
The beat of her wings…what’s left of this line

"In a jar try to catch try and catch it"

sleep is getting better, had 2 nights of sleep were I didn't wake up.
maybe this is similar to what's it's like to have a kid(baby).
at least that one of the main things I  hear: "Prepare to never sleep"

anyway it's friday *clap* *enthusiastic cheers*
so that's good.



Typhoon - Possible Deaths



Every star is a possible death
We gave 'em names
We called 'em Cancers
Called 'em accidents

The one that's like a vulture circlin' my head
It burned out five-hundred-million years before I saw it (x2)
It burned out five-hundred-million years before I ever saw it
(before I ever saw it) (x2)

Count down the time that you have left
In a jar try to catch try and capture it
Count down the time that you have left
In the dark try to catch try and capture it
Count down the time that you have left
In a jar try to catch try and capture it
Count down the time that you have left

"Time is too early, my hair isn't curly. I wish I was home and tucked away"

so i'm not sleeping again.
I'm not sure why, but it's happening.
I think it may be related to school though, this happened around the same time last year.
or maybe it's the changing of the seasons.
any way.
I've been waking up around 3-4am the past few days.
1st night  I woke up at 3:30am. Tossed and trued till 6am (when my alarm rings)
2nd night woke up 3:30am. but decided not to stay in bed. sat on my porch and recorded some sounds for about an hour. finished setting up a tablet I have purchased recently. Restroomed. Played some video games. Hooked up controller, played video game in bed. Feeling sleepy around 6am (laid down, woke up at 7am)
3rd night. Woke up 2:30. Tossed/turned till 4am. Fell asleep at some point woke up again at 5:20am. Stared at clock till 6am. (alarm)

I feel okay. kinda.
I feel wobbly. like the ground is a water bed.
reaction times seem slower.
misspelled words increasing.
difficulty focus
not really hungry
hazy
forgetting more stuff
when I first got up it felt like I was watching my self through someone else's eyes. Like in a movie or video game. That went away for the most part, but sometimes it still feels like that.

I'll try to upload the recordings soon.

till then here is something:
I really liked this live performance, so I got the album.
but unfortunately the feeling is not the same.
The energy seems absent on the studio album.
or maybe I just like watching the keyboardist.
anyway give it a listen if you are curious
Painted Palms: Performance on KEXP