james

sometimes you connect to a piece of art so directly it leaves you dazed and confused. 

there is a feeling of longing and unexplained emptiness that seems to follow. 

i don't know it is a desire to be able to express myself as deeply as I have been effected. 

or if it simply the feeling of being in awe of someones ability to express something so accurately. 

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i think i've been kinda down these past few months. possibly longer im not sure. 

i know that I have this desire to be seen as a hero or someone people can rely on. 

i enjoy the feeling and I crave that feeling. to be needed, to be useful. but when being alone it is difficult to get that kick. 

i feel directionless without that. I don't desire to fix people or steer their lives around. I just want to support and be there. I love the feeling of helping and seeing that persons life slightly brighter for it. even if that brightness is only a momentary brightness. it's a good feeling.

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i know that i'm selfish, arrogant and a bit narcissistic. those are qualities that I see and have come to terms within myself. sometimes I like the feeling that people think i'm doing good deeds cause i'm a "good guy", but the truth is I like the feeling. it's my personal addiction in a way. would I help people without that feeling, maybe. well yeah, I think i would sometimes. but I think my "scope" of helpfulness would be much smaller. smaller than it already is at least. 

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Spooky night

At a Halloween party in Italy.
Thinking to myself, how did I get here?
There are other awkwardly present people, but they have seats. I had a seat, but me reservation expired.
So now I stand. As smoke and bass surround me.
There are also many drunk Italians, so that's always fun.
.........
Some time has passed.
I have found a seat, so prospects are looking up. Smooth sailing from here.
Now I just need to look busy, and very interested in my phone.
I guess this club is kinda high class or something. There are a good amount of tough looking security guards. And I think I ran into them a suspicious amount of times. So now I see them watch me as I walk around the venue.
....
Sometimes I'm amazed at my wife's ability to convince people to do things they have previously swore they would never do. In this instance I'm referring to a friend she is currently dancing with. Friend since yesterday swore she would never get on a dancefloor, especially in front of other people. But here she is dancing the night away; surrounded by numerous sweaty Italians.
Amazing.
........
Checking work emails so far is passing some time.
I'll keep you posted of any updates Internet.

.,.....

Bench is being over taken. Would move but no other non reservation seats. Maybe I should try sad make some new friends.
....
Reporting in.
Just saw a middle aged man. Angerly talking on the phone and smoking. He walks very deliberately to a near by plant and  looks at some leaves. He then grabs a handful and briskly walks away.
Stay turned for more exciting events.
Reporting out
.....
My cover sitting at the bench have left.
While I'm now exposed in a sense; I'm able to keep reporting without worrying whether or those Italian guys could speak English.
Back to reporting.

.....
Drunk Italian, young male. Curly hair. I'm worried he is in the vomiting drunk state.
He moves close to my bench. I watch with caution. Ready to dodge any projectile vomit that may come my way.
He has left. Defcon alert set to normal.
Close one.
......
Italians seems to be very proud of their butts. Lots of very high waisted pants that cause the buttocks to almost magically rise as if weightless, but at the same time full of weight.
......

I just saw two dwarfs enter the exclusive party room. I kinda want to peek in and check it out.
.......

"merry spritzmass"

Sometimes I find myself wanting to do more.
I want to pursue music or drawing, but whenever I get the time to do so I find myself not doing those things.
Instead it's easier to watch a movie or play videogames.
I think part of it is the emotional and physical investment into creating something. Even though I enjoy it, it does take energy to do.
Or I'm I just getting lazier?
.....
I've also noticed that my emotional/social capacity is much lower than it used to be.
I find myself not having the desire to interact.
Can I remember feeling the "want" or at least a general positive outlook on being around people, but recently I don't know. If given a choice between being alone or being around others, as of now I would choose alone.
Not sure why.
I know that I've always enjoyed solitude, but this feels different.
Maybe I'm just getting lazier. Emotionally.
But it kinda feels like I just didn't really care anymore. Is that indifference?
Maybe.
But at the same time I do care immensely about those closest to me.
🤷‍♂️
......
On a lighter note.
I recently read the script for Blade Runner. The 1980something film. So much better than the film. That being said I've only made it through the film once, but I've attempted to watch it many times.
The script feels very much like a scfi-noir, but the film seems almost afraid to go into the noir deep end. Which I can understand from a financial standpoint. Noir's aren't blockbusters. Most people don't like that style.
But for BR, I think it fit perfectly. The whole story is about questioning what it means to be human. It's life given or do we choose life?
To me the script is a self reflection and a quiet meditation into the human condition. While the film comes off as loud. (I had other words in mind, but my brain is currently failing me). At least that's what I remember from the film.
.....
Well I think my sleep is catching up with me and my thought transfer is deteriorating. So I will stop here and end this post for now.

Blooop. Beep.

Why not

Why not wash your hands?
You have just ejected waste products from your body. Then touched objects that most likely other people's waste biproducts have touched.
Yet, you do not feel the need to wash your hands before leaving the restroom?

This is why I don't want to shake your hand.
Or anyone's hand for that matter.
Who knows when you washed that last.

Gotta go. Till next time.

Guess who's back

Wife says I should post more often.
Will try.
...
To commemorate this occasion I shall start with one of my favorite album openers.
" Eminem's gotta cuss in his raps to sell records. Well me too, so fuck Will Smith "
...
It's all about that money. Dolla bill y'all.
...
In tonight's news.
I changed departments at work, got a promotion.
Cleaned the pool. It's ready for the summer.
Thought about buying some beefeater. But misread the name as "defeater", then "befeater", until looking back at the name and seeing "beefeater "
All in a day's work.
...
I had this dream last night about a parasite that enters a humans body and slowly eats away all the organs. The parasite then replaces the eaten organ with it self. Allowing the body to live, and the parasite to live off the body
In this dream the victim is afraid and tries everything to rid himself of the parasite but is unable to. He eventually dies a painful death, but is brought back to life by the parasite.
After this the man slowly changes his views about the parasite. He begins to feel companionship and eventually trusts and befriends the parasite.
...
I don't know if I've complained about Eggs Benedict on here before.
So if not.
They suck. Never order Eggs Benedict.
You should only order EB, if:
You enjoy disappointment.
You hate breakfast foods.
You want to feel superior to your fellow diners.
You have been tricked by it's fancy sounding name. Just like the real Benedict Arnold.
It's an egg that it's a traitor among eggs and breakfast foods everywhere.
You allow it's sweet sounding name to entice you to order it, let it into your mouth and it turns around and stabs you in the back, or in the tongue, or back of the tongue technically. Well maybe not technically.
...rant complete.
Good day sir.