"merry spritzmass"

Sometimes I find myself wanting to do more.
I want to pursue music or drawing, but whenever I get the time to do so I find myself not doing those things.
Instead it's easier to watch a movie or play videogames.
I think part of it is the emotional and physical investment into creating something. Even though I enjoy it, it does take energy to do.
Or I'm I just getting lazier?
.....
I've also noticed that my emotional/social capacity is much lower than it used to be.
I find myself not having the desire to interact.
Can I remember feeling the "want" or at least a general positive outlook on being around people, but recently I don't know. If given a choice between being alone or being around others, as of now I would choose alone.
Not sure why.
I know that I've always enjoyed solitude, but this feels different.
Maybe I'm just getting lazier. Emotionally.
But it kinda feels like I just didn't really care anymore. Is that indifference?
Maybe.
But at the same time I do care immensely about those closest to me.
🤷‍♂️
......
On a lighter note.
I recently read the script for Blade Runner. The 1980something film. So much better than the film. That being said I've only made it through the film once, but I've attempted to watch it many times.
The script feels very much like a scfi-noir, but the film seems almost afraid to go into the noir deep end. Which I can understand from a financial standpoint. Noir's aren't blockbusters. Most people don't like that style.
But for BR, I think it fit perfectly. The whole story is about questioning what it means to be human. It's life given or do we choose life?
To me the script is a self reflection and a quiet meditation into the human condition. While the film comes off as loud. (I had other words in mind, but my brain is currently failing me). At least that's what I remember from the film.
.....
Well I think my sleep is catching up with me and my thought transfer is deteriorating. So I will stop here and end this post for now.

Blooop. Beep.

"scrub scrub scrub till the water's brown"

I've noticed anytime I plan on getting a good night of sleep, it never happens.
Anytime I try to go to sleep early I wake up really early or just cant fall asleep.

Last night:
Went to bed ~9:30pm
Woke up 12:00am
Went back to sleep 5:55am
Woke up 6:15am


new strategy:
Never go to sleep early.
Go to sleep on time or slightly after.


Time
time
time
time

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Can't sleep. So tired.
But can't fall asleep.
Haven't slept the past three nights.

Zzzzzzz__zzzzzzz_zzzzzzzz_zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_zzz_zzzzz_z_zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴🕐🕜🕑🕝🕒🕞🕙🕤🕣🕜🕜🕑🕒🕞🕖🕛🕧🕓🕖🕝🕟🕗🕣🕘🕠🕕🕡🕡🕝🕒🕞🕞🕛🕧🕓🕓🕚🕥🕙🕘🕘🕣🕔🕔🕜🕜🕜🕑🕑🕝🕝🕒🕒🕞🕓🕓🕥🕙🕠🕠🕔🕑🕡🕡🕕🕕🕠🕑🕒🕞🕞🕞🕖🕙🕤🕘🕣🕗🕟🕐🕟🕗🕣🕣🕜🕜🕑🕠🕘🕘🕕🕕🕒🕖🕖🕥🕥🕥🕢🕢🕓🕓🕖🕙🕒🕞🕞🕡🕡🕕🕓🕢🕥🕥

uploading complete

sounds at 3am

here is a recording from yesterday's early morning recording.
Not anything exciting, but I found it to be pretty relaxing.
(link is updating till then enjoy this awesome mashup)


The Final Teen Spirit:

"Time is too early, my hair isn't curly. I wish I was home and tucked away"

so i'm not sleeping again.
I'm not sure why, but it's happening.
I think it may be related to school though, this happened around the same time last year.
or maybe it's the changing of the seasons.
any way.
I've been waking up around 3-4am the past few days.
1st night  I woke up at 3:30am. Tossed and trued till 6am (when my alarm rings)
2nd night woke up 3:30am. but decided not to stay in bed. sat on my porch and recorded some sounds for about an hour. finished setting up a tablet I have purchased recently. Restroomed. Played some video games. Hooked up controller, played video game in bed. Feeling sleepy around 6am (laid down, woke up at 7am)
3rd night. Woke up 2:30. Tossed/turned till 4am. Fell asleep at some point woke up again at 5:20am. Stared at clock till 6am. (alarm)

I feel okay. kinda.
I feel wobbly. like the ground is a water bed.
reaction times seem slower.
misspelled words increasing.
difficulty focus
not really hungry
hazy
forgetting more stuff
when I first got up it felt like I was watching my self through someone else's eyes. Like in a movie or video game. That went away for the most part, but sometimes it still feels like that.

I'll try to upload the recordings soon.

till then here is something:
I really liked this live performance, so I got the album.
but unfortunately the feeling is not the same.
The energy seems absent on the studio album.
or maybe I just like watching the keyboardist.
anyway give it a listen if you are curious
Painted Palms: Performance on KEXP

point is

I think my lack of sleep is starting to effect my daily life.

my bones ache and I cant focus.
everything feels cloudy.
I find myself listening to 70-80s sounding ballady  pop music from the 2010s.
I forget to answer texts and email messages.
things are looking grim.




have a nice day

3:19

Can't sleep.
Don't know why.
I might go out side for a bit.
My body feels exhausted, my eyes are heavy, my legs and knees ache.
I want to sleep.
Maybe i will write stuff till i fall asleep.
Hmm seems to be working 
Drowsy 

Yes i think i will step out side for a bit

It's really nice out.
Quite, cool, breezy.
I should try sleeping out here sometime.
But i feel this is having the opposite effect i was looking for.

Hmmm i feel more awake now.
I think i will stop writing now.

Sleep tight.