Zzzzzzzzzzz

Can't sleep. So tired.
But can't fall asleep.
Haven't slept the past three nights.

Zzzzzzz__zzzzzzz_zzzzzzzz_zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_zzz_zzzzz_z_zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁☁😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴🕐🕜🕑🕝🕒🕞🕙🕤🕣🕜🕜🕑🕒🕞🕖🕛🕧🕓🕖🕝🕟🕗🕣🕘🕠🕕🕡🕡🕝🕒🕞🕞🕛🕧🕓🕓🕚🕥🕙🕘🕘🕣🕔🕔🕜🕜🕜🕑🕑🕝🕝🕒🕒🕞🕓🕓🕥🕙🕠🕠🕔🕑🕡🕡🕕🕕🕠🕑🕒🕞🕞🕞🕖🕙🕤🕘🕣🕗🕟🕐🕟🕗🕣🕣🕜🕜🕑🕠🕘🕘🕕🕕🕒🕖🕖🕥🕥🕥🕢🕢🕓🕓🕖🕙🕒🕞🕞🕡🕡🕕🕓🕢🕥🕥

mic check

laying down hot fire.
get ready.

check, check.
*cough

tape stuck on my shoe
crinkle crinkle as I move
want to remove it
but to far away
crinkle crinkle
shall now stay.

*mic drop

thoughts

sometimes I get holes in the armpit side of my t-shirts. I don't know why.
I would think holes would be more prone to maybe a shoulder or something.
At least there it has a edge, something to poke (kinda)

illegal ninja book

the original short that became Napoleon Dynamite:

bubr bur bur bur ne ne ne nenene

Moon Hooch: NPR Tiny Desk Concert

har-de-har-har-har

smile. it's friday

no poops no oops

happy Wednesday

idea 12/2/2015

rich people should have missing children posters put onto wine bottles.
might help.
don't know if there is missing kids epidemic.
but you know. ...

nose hats.
it's like ear muffs but for your nose.
keeps it warm.

heated after shower mats

well, guess that's it for now

ajan

Word gems from Asian mom.

Mom: "Wow! Those lights are so nice! Ethical... Very ethical."

-----

Mom: "What did you get?"
Daughter : "Enchiladas."
Mom: "Italian?"
Daughter: "No enchilada. It's Mexican food."
Mom: "Italian and Mexican?"
Daughter:"..."

----

Mom: "what is that?"

Daughter: "fried plantains."
Mom:" Plantation!"

----

kekekekeke

pre-thanks giving day

only gave me 2.5 nostril chuckles but I can relate.
so up it goes.

double post!!!

double post!!!

I was looking at my old posts and realized I don't post as much as I used to.
I say this alot, but I will try to post more often.
Forreals this time.

from: http://zenpencils.com/comic/128-bill-watterson-a-cartoonists-advice/

"...they were everything they are"

it's that time of year again
where I start feeling more and more "what am I doing with my life and where do I want to go?"
"is school really what's best for me?"
"how much effort do I need to be putting into it?"
"if Indian food is so great, why do I always get explosive diarrhea the morning after?"

important questions indeed.

------
but life's been good.


Dan Mangan - Fair Verona

Turn the bars into cars
And wait for the lights to change
And take shape of people we used to know
'Til they grow less fond of knowing

And we can ride in the night
And discard all the facts on our backs
Remembering the thoughts we thought
Since we got over our parents

And if we go where we go
And don't tell anyone where we're from
We can cut and paste the stars to our hearts
And understand their language

And we won't spit with our mouths
Or draw lines in the dirt with our heels
And every single day we'll just wait
And hope to see the next one

If we go down too easy my dear
We'll still be the heart of envy of all our friends and peers

So I get home to my home
The thoughts are in my head
And my bed is full of things I left
When I left her here

And the light through the blinds
And through the windowpane in the lane
Where the fire is getting cold
For they have burned all of their belongings

And up the stairs there's a pair
Who like to be made sure
That they were everything they are
For they are sadly mistaken

Now I forget how we met
Those days have all passed
Now the cast is filing to the stage
In a rage and taking their places

If we go down too easy my dear
We'll still be the heart of envy of all our peers and friends my dear
To them we'll be has-beens
To them be rouge waves
To them be lost trains
Just posers posing

We'll leat with our eyes
And weep our goodbyes
And if that's what it takes
We'll both drink the Kool-Aid again

'Til we've forgotten where our hearts have been
'Til we've forgotten where our hearts have been
'Til we forget just where our hearts have been

"To clean your knife and mend that snake-like tongue"

friday music.



Rose Windows - Season of Serpents


Her wingless arms are moving lines
Circling skies and wandering signs
Sensual trees are worrisome
Blessed is he that rests this song
She moves her arms to see the clouds
But gone is he and sorrow bound
Faced with the season of serpents
Damned by the gods; by her words
She mingles fiery silk and seeds
To grow that weed and lose the clown
Demons rise and fill the coat, put on his hat
And walk around
Faced with the season of serpents
Damned by the gods; by her words
Sing, oh soulless yearling and beg
Beg that shimmering star
To clean your knife and mend that golden crown
The weaver and I spun the wheel
Picked the loom and waited high
Slowly feeling that Northern breeze
The taste that we’ll defend this time!
Loose the heart that beating beast and
Move your hips across the ground
Faced with a reason to circumvent
The old styles and words
Sing, oh soulless yearling and beg
Beg that shimmering star
Sing, oh soulless seer and beg
Beg that painted eye
To clean your knife and mend that snake-like tongue
A page from a book, a word from her eyes
The beat of her wings…what’s left of this line

blerp

"I fear I will drop my wedding ring in the toilet. Which is why I wipe with my other hand".

- Edgar Allan Poe

wise words to remember.

needs more guiro

Sunday music fest!

well, not really.

just a song.

from the 90's

Catch 22 - Kristina:



Not long ago in my high school days
I watched a girl from so far away
And every time she passed me by
I turned my head away and quietly sighed.
And when she walked by her hair would dance,
a secret tango that only I could understand
and if she asked for the time of day
I'd look her in the eyes and quietly say:

[Chorus]
Oh
Kristina Kristina
Do you have any clue who I am?
(hell no)
So listen up because I'll tell you once
and I'll explain myself the best that I can.
woah
Kristina Kristina
You don't know me so I'll have to persist.
I'm kind of shy so don't wonder why
Kristina she don't know I exist.

From class to class I followed her,
but I swore I'd leave her undisturbed
and if she ever stopped by and turned around
I got so nervous that I stared at the ground.
And then one day in photography
I found a contact print that I could not believe
and there she was staring back at me
so I took her home so quietly.

[Chorus]

1-17-98 it's been a day that I've come to hate.
As I walked into the video store
there she stood as my jaw fell to the floor.
Tapping her toe, and waiting in line,
with a movie and another guy
Why did I bother? Why did I care?
About this girl named Kristina Behr?

Kristina Kristina
You'll never get to know who I am.
(You're loss)
This is goodbye so please don't cry
and I'll let you down as softly as I can.
Kristina Kristina
another name to cross off my list.
In another life it could have been nice
but Kristina she won't know what she missed.

drumstick on snare

one of my teachers dropped these words of wisdom in class today:

Student: Where is the data for GPD found and collected?
Teacher: Well.... You know......internet.....stuffs.........

------------

Teacher: "I never got into the stock market. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am a woman."

--------------

I'll post more as they come along.




Jessica Lea Mayfield - Kiss me again.

You got me where you want me
but, I ain't all there.
my head is gone, my brain is fried,
'nd I'm standing right here.

You can touch me if you want to, oh
I don't really care
But I have ruined everything that I ever loved.

I guess we have to play
the cards we've been dealt.
And I guess I got nothing,

but whatever happens, happens...
'cause my life is falling apart,
Or is it getting better?- I don't know.

Well you can kiss me again if you want,
I don't mind.
Well you can kiss me again if you want,
oh that'd be fine.

most excite

I was going to post something, but couldn't find exactly what I was looking for.
so.
here's a potato.
enjoy.

don't sneeze and die

I've been sneezing alot the past few days.
I read an article once about a man who sneezed so hard he broke his back.
Don't want that to happen.
That would be a terrible way to go.

have a nice day. don't sneeze and die.

8pm crisis

my brain just forgot how to spell minute.
I was trying to type "sorry this is last minute"; when I looked at the word and couldn't figure out if it was right or not.
I can't wrap my head around it.
minute. that just doesn't seemed to be spelled correctly.
I've been google ever combination of minute, but none of them look right.

 is minute (min-nut) and minute (my-nute) the same things. Like 1 minute and a minute sample?
I feel very confused.

anyway.
till next time

"In a jar try to catch try and catch it"

sleep is getting better, had 2 nights of sleep were I didn't wake up.
maybe this is similar to what's it's like to have a kid(baby).
at least that one of the main things I  hear: "Prepare to never sleep"

anyway it's friday *clap* *enthusiastic cheers*
so that's good.



Typhoon - Possible Deaths



Every star is a possible death
We gave 'em names
We called 'em Cancers
Called 'em accidents

The one that's like a vulture circlin' my head
It burned out five-hundred-million years before I saw it (x2)
It burned out five-hundred-million years before I ever saw it
(before I ever saw it) (x2)

Count down the time that you have left
In a jar try to catch try and capture it
Count down the time that you have left
In the dark try to catch try and capture it
Count down the time that you have left
In a jar try to catch try and capture it
Count down the time that you have left

uploading complete

sounds at 3am

here is a recording from yesterday's early morning recording.
Not anything exciting, but I found it to be pretty relaxing.
(link is updating till then enjoy this awesome mashup)


The Final Teen Spirit:

"Time is too early, my hair isn't curly. I wish I was home and tucked away"

so i'm not sleeping again.
I'm not sure why, but it's happening.
I think it may be related to school though, this happened around the same time last year.
or maybe it's the changing of the seasons.
any way.
I've been waking up around 3-4am the past few days.
1st night  I woke up at 3:30am. Tossed and trued till 6am (when my alarm rings)
2nd night woke up 3:30am. but decided not to stay in bed. sat on my porch and recorded some sounds for about an hour. finished setting up a tablet I have purchased recently. Restroomed. Played some video games. Hooked up controller, played video game in bed. Feeling sleepy around 6am (laid down, woke up at 7am)
3rd night. Woke up 2:30. Tossed/turned till 4am. Fell asleep at some point woke up again at 5:20am. Stared at clock till 6am. (alarm)

I feel okay. kinda.
I feel wobbly. like the ground is a water bed.
reaction times seem slower.
misspelled words increasing.
difficulty focus
not really hungry
hazy
forgetting more stuff
when I first got up it felt like I was watching my self through someone else's eyes. Like in a movie or video game. That went away for the most part, but sometimes it still feels like that.

I'll try to upload the recordings soon.

till then here is something:
I really liked this live performance, so I got the album.
but unfortunately the feeling is not the same.
The energy seems absent on the studio album.
or maybe I just like watching the keyboardist.
anyway give it a listen if you are curious
Painted Palms: Performance on KEXP

"I had seven faces. Thought I knew which one to wear"

I didn't realize it till today, but I think I have new pet peeve:

People who look for validation from others to react. 

In class today the guy sitting next to me would do this thing where every time someone said something funny he would turn to me, almost as if to check if it's okay for him to laugh.

Like: (something funny happens) "Guy starts to laugh, checks his left (that's where i'm sitting) checks his right (rest of class) "are people laughing"....scanning....scanning....scanning.............YES...... "starts to laugh"

He kept during this all throughout class. I thought if I moved out of his peripheral vision he would stop. So I scooted my chair back and leaned into the seat out of rang of his scanning eyes.
My mistake, I forgot his head could turn. He found me once again. Looking for validation. "None here Mr.insecure man, please look elsewhere." I said.....in my head.


anyway.

just some thoughts. 

Interpol - NYC

I had seven faces
Thought I knew which one to wear
But I'm sick of spending these lonely nights
Training myself not to care
The subway is a porno
The pavements they are a mess
I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed
But

[Chorus]

New York cares
(Got to be some more change in my life)

The subway she is a porno
And the pavements they are a mess
I know you've supported me for a long time
Somehow I'm not impressed

It is up to me now, turn on the bright lights

"She gives me quarters for the phone. And every time I feel alone I go broke"

song for Tuesday

Dan Mangan - You Silly Git

She says the joys of life are lost among the living
So I guess all those souvenirs are for her health
She gives me quarters for the phone
And every time I feel alone I go broke
Yeah I go broke

She says if you're not here at least make sure you miss me
So when I miss her I make sure to let her know
It's the least that I could do
And sure I guess I like it too
I'm Mr. Charming without the charming

I can hear the eyebrows raise when I start singing
'Cause the songs I sing are all about myself
You can read me like a book
I'm not as clever as I look

I've got a sneaky kind of selfish
That I keep upon the shelf
With jars of double-sided comments
For people who've done nothing wrong

Preparing for the lights
And always practicing my sha-na-nas
I will stand right next to giants
And roar aside the lions

Wondering how is it so easy
For leaves amid the breeze to blow
From hometowns all around us
To hometowns where nobody lives

Just cities full of people
People making people making people
For the masses
People we won't ever know

She says the point of this is not to date the future
So just focus on the task at hand
Try to break up with your pride
And start to flirt with satisfied

"oooh, oh... aha!"

school starts next week.
my one regret in life. not finishing school quicker.
well maybe not my one and only regret. but it's one of the bigger ones.

hope I didn't overburden myself this semester. but seems like it is necessary.

"I'm pulling slow on a rain black road"

A song from one of my recent favorite albums:
Hiss Golden Messenger - Balthazar's Song




Are you with me now
I'm working like a mule
I'm pulling slow on a rain black road
with a load I can barely feel

if you could come to me
if you could take away my mind
if you could fill me up like an empty cup
that would be fine
that would be fine

no turquoise jewelry no
don't bury me in silver, don't bury me in gold
and when I die, the earth as my bride
give me a dock and shade it whole

are you with me now
I'm working like a mule
eventually I'll be set free
and that would be fine
that would be fine

"I packed up the dust of all that I owned"

have a happy tuesday



Summer days were just a magazine, a magazine
a magazine...

Cutting grass for gasoline, for gasoline
So I can see ya soon...

Fall swooned
Left me drunk in a field
Dandelion wine for a year

And I packed up the dust
Of all that I owned
Handkerchief hung from a pole

I rolled out the day that the apples fell...

"Saint Peter Saint Paul let the engine stall"

song for Thursday:



New York Lights by Fort Atlantic

When everything is running like a freight train
Honey and the gravel is kicking back
And there is a red sun set and deeper red
Saint peter Saint Paul let the engine stall
So I can climb on board tonight
Maybe find a new life under new York light
And I think you would agree there ain't no place no place at all just for me …
I think you would agree there ain't no place no place at all just for me
I’m a wondering soul got no place to call home
Ain't no one in this town but the upside down
And ceiling all are fool and dirt footprints form suburban sprints
And I think you would agree there ain't no place no place at all just for me …
I think you would agree there ain't no place no place at all just for me
I’m a wondering soul got no place to call home
I am out on my own
So I am leaving, I am leaving, I am leaving town
Tell my family goodbye tell them i will be fine
They can come visit soon
Electric light of the New York lights
And I think you would agree there ain’t no place no place at all just for me …
I think you would agree there ain't no place no place at all just for me
I’m a wondering soul got no place to call home
I am out on my own
I am just dust and bone

"You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit" - Zach Galifianakis

I had a dream that I found a box of all my missing socks.
There was much rejoicing.

end.





song from title of other post:

"You know when I'm down to just my socks it's time for business that's why they call it business socks.."

happy wednesday.

a song for your day

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you

It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I got no excuse

And is that alright? Yeah
Give my gun away when it's loaded
That alright? Yeah
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?

That alright? Yeah
Give my gun away when it's loaded
That alright? Yeah, with you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you

It's the wrong time
She's pulling me through
It's a small crime
And I got no excuse

And is that alright? Yeah
To give my gun away when it's loaded
(Is that alright with you?)
Is that alright? Yeah
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?
(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright? Yeah
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
(Is that alright with you?)
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

That alright? Yeah
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
(Is that alright with you?)
Is that alright? Yeah
You don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?
(Is that alright with you?)

Is that alright? Yeah
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
(Is that alright with you?)
Is that alright
Is that alright with you?

And is that alright? Yeah
(To give my gun away when it's loaded)
Is that alright? Yeah
(You don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?)

Is that alright? Yeah
(To give my gun away when it's loaded)
Is that alright? Is that alright?
Is that alright with you? No

"So out from your slumber Into the wonder"

hello internet.
it's been awhile.

I had something exciting happen the other day and was going to post but forgot to, and now I can no longer remember what that post was going to be about.


First month of summer is already almost over :(
haven't had a chance to do any song writing / recording :(
tried boxer-briefs for the first time :) surprisingly comfortable.
found a new deodorant scent :) smells good

hmm...
guess that's all the exciting news for today.


Loving you it runs so deep.
Upon the surface here I sleep,
walking in dark and light,
walking all the day and night

Rivers fall the ocean's side.
Fall for you every time,
like a bee to the flowers buzz.
Does a flower question love?

On our best, the quest is primed, 
beating chest and open minds.
I stand here in your midst, 
see you through the smoke and mist.

Once again for you I fall
underneath the tree so tall,
upon the limbs a nesting dove.
Does a birdie question love?

In the backdrop of the night
I melt into the starry light.
The moon pushes and pulls the tides,
tempts the soul to stay alive.

Once again for you I fall 
Underneath a million stars.
How could you ever have enough?
Oh this must be.
Oh this must be.

So out from your slumber
Into the wonder
under the starlight
days, days. . .

Creaky bones

When I lay down in bed, I feel as though my bones are creaking and twisting.
My knee especially. Don't know why but it's been really sore recently and I always feel the need to stretch it out.

Anyway, good night.

wednesday music

Recent band started listening to.
They have EPs on sale for $5 on their website:
https://hollowwood.merchtable.com/




We were young seeking for truth of mind
Disappeared lost in the old great divine
I've been thinking about the last time you
You spoke to me
You spoke at me
And I've been thinking about when I fell to my knees
When I fell to my knees

Everybody seems to have moved on
In this old familiar place I called my home

Oh you can’t take this heart away
Oh you've been digging your own grave
Take my hands and let’s burn these bridges down
You've been wondering why I haven't been around

We grew old
In a field we built our hopes
They blew away
Oh these winds are just so strong

I've been searching for quite awhile now
But it’s an empty room just an empty room
And I remember when a heart beat within
But it’s an empty tomb just an empty tomb

Everybody seems to have moved on
In this old familiar place I called my home

Oh you can’t take this heart away
Oh you've been digging your own grave
Take my hands and let’s burn these bridges down
You've been wondering why I haven't been around

Oh take your pockets full of gold
Oh I'll wear my rags you wear your clothes
Take my hands and let’s burn these bridges down
You've been wondering why I haven't been around

Oh you can’t take this heart away
Oh you've been digging your own grave
Take my hands and let’s burn these bridges down
You've been wondering why I haven't been around

in the spirit of social media

hello interwebs,
greetings.

in the spirit of social media I present #tbt #thattimeitriedtophoto

For a few weeks in 2010 I tried to learn how to photo. I don't remember the camera I was using, but it was an old manual Sony something I bought off of ebay. anyway, twas fun.

hausted

Feeling super exhausted.

I've been working on a final project for a programming class for the past 2 weeks.
Not getting alot of sleep + stressing out from trying to complete on time.

hopefully this get's done, and I can have some recovery time.


anyway, relaxing music:






Translated Lyrics:

Do you remember love
Love from a tormented heart
Not fleeting, as with music at night
But an eternal love
Now tainted
Now tainted
Go now and reclaim it
Go now and love

Recall the times
when you were happy.
Recall the times
when you laughed.

Life is wonderful
Do you have faith in it?
Turn your face to life,
To eternal joy.

What happened to those days?
What happened to those nights?
Do you remember
How you turned to grief? Do you remember
How you turned to sorrow?
Is the blame mine or ours?

Our feelings grew faint
What caused our grief and fighting?
Can there be beauty in life?
If you seek it out.
Can there be happiness in life?
Let's seek it.

"someone will find you, someone always does"

music for tuesday



To all of the women that I've ever loved:
When I was with you, I would say that I was better off
But you were never mine to begin with, all right.
And when I'm gone, carry on, carry on.

To all of my friends with whom I get fucked up:
We will laugh ;til we cry and we'll drink 'til we're drunk
But the world is reborn while we sleep it off
And in the dawn, carry on, carry on.

To all of the songs that I wish I had sung:
You will ring in my ears until my days are done (and you're lost)
But someone will find you, someone always does
To sing along, sing on, sing on.

When I'm gone, carry on, carry on.

Well, the world doesn't care if you're in it or not
Just a little point of steel into the beast you were shot
But the whale's going to dive; he will pull the lines taut
And when you're gone, carry on, carry on.

"It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard"

some music for today.


There is a house in New Orleans
Where you woke from a coma and they bit your cheek
And they cleaned you out when you went to sleep

Oh, I just wanna change your mind
I just wanna change your mind
And it might be come right away
It might be come till the day I'm done

And I saw it as the house caught fire
And I saw it when the thief got brave
It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard
And it's comin' over me in waves

But you're haunted by the morning sun
You keep digging till the night is over

I ain't no doctor, babe
I ain't no doctor, son
But I'll cool your fever till the doctor comes
It's a miracle, babe, but it ain't no fun

I just wanna change your mind
I just wanna change your mind
It might be come right away
It might be come till the day I'm done

And I saw it as the house caught fire
And I saw it when the thief got brave
It's like a night, night, crawler, crawlin' out in the yard
And it's comin' over me in waves

But it's not here now
It's the chance of it I hate
It's a hundred thousand miles off 
Comin' closer everyday








"Only Son"

I used to be an only son
My heart was but a stranger
It wallowed in the races won
and craved impending dangers.

When it settled on,
and pined and pondered
On the chosen roads it had to wander.

Well I used to be an only son.
(Yeah) My heart was but again
Oh he has a loaded gun!
And how, above the weather?

And it will always let me forget her
And this sturdy wood will burn forever,
in us together.

I used to be an only son.
(Yeah) My heart was but again
Oh, but he has a loaded gun.
It howled, above the weather.

Oh its evil ways,
let me forget her.

And this sturdy wood will burn forever,
in us together.

musical update

got my recording gear back together.

will try to post some songs soon.

in the mean time enjoy this music + video I made 5 years ago:


dogs and double cheese burgers from Marten Hernandez on Vimeo.

ex·pec·ta·tion

I was listening to a pod cast at work about the power of expectations.
(i'll link it in this post)

it was 2 parts.
part 1 - can the expectations of lab rats, affect the performance of the rats.
One group was labeled "dumb rats"
The other group "smart rats"

The rats where them placed into a maze by the volunteer participants.
results: the rats label "smart rats" completed the task at an much sooner than the "dumb rats".
Were the rats any different, no. The difference was in the expectation of the volunteers.


part 2
Is the social impression we oppose onto blind people, preventing them from seeing?


... so sum things up, Yes.

Expectations are a very dangerous/powerful thing.
If an expectation is able to nestle itself into our mind, we essentially become a prisoner to that expectation.

and how are (sorry I was trying to do my punctuations and proper stuff, have have given up on that)
expectations handed off to us?
Im not really sure, but Im leaning towards
1. Love
2. beliefs
3. tradition
4. fear

1. Love
Love is something I have been thinking alot about.
What is it ? why  do we need it/why do we crave/seek love?
I think im starting to come close to a conclusion but not 100%.

1st, try to forgot your concept/expectation on "love"
Instead of some mystical disneyish force, think of it as energy.
or a necessary physical element your body requires like food (energy)
Similar to food, air, water, (sunlight?) love is a form of physical energy our bodies need to "survive"
And similar to these natural elements (food, air, water) we need a constant supply or we get sick, or die. or something happens.
When love is absent from the body, we as humans begin to "die".
or when (similar to food/water) unheathly love enters the body, we can become sick, and possible die.

The difference between food and love is this:
Food is harvested and grown from outside or bodies, while love is something we personally give out/off. (it comes from within to out, as apposed to out to in)
The love we give off, is grown from the soil and water that is ourselves. But not only that it is also affect by the love we have received.

Think of a child as a plant.
This child developes it's ability to give, receive and harness love from his/her experiences and expectations growing up. Similar to the plant, food, water, sun, air. the child needs physical elements to survive and grow.

(this post is kinda going off topic, I'm not sure If i'll be able to get back on track)

So, how do we "eat" love?
For me I feel like, to say it in the most simple sense:
Love is anything that satisfies our desire/state of being.
How ever small or grand that satisfaction is, and also dependent our the level of desire (want/need).
Hungry (desire) eat burger (satisfaction) = love energy
Depressed (state of being) eat 100 burgers (satisfaction = love energy (but maybe not the best type of energy)

Depending on the love we ingest, effects that amount and type of energy received and processed by our body.

(brain is hitting a wall, I might continue later)

ah-mea-ghing

amazing. nuff said.

Ghost of Paul Revere

Have a listen:

the happiest song in the universe.

just found the happiest song in the universe.
watch, listen, and try not to smile.
try.

My brain is a conman.

My brain is a conman.
And I the hit.
An illusionist of words.
Can't keep up.
Running marathons in sand and mud.
Too late?
Too Soon?
Somewhere in the middle,
Close enough.
No constant flow, more bumps than most.
A word in passing slips through the cracks.
Never to be seen, or heard, or felt.
Lost forever.



--
Stone and steel.
Still and still still.
New paint occasionally,
no food or drugs.
Watching, watching, watching.
Still and still still.

Maybe one day they will take me down.
It could be nice.
Change of scenery.
A nice cozy box.
Or the grand museum.

But for now I am happy.
Content with this life.
For here I am.
And here I shall stay.
And here the birds do not shit.
Life is good.

--


poems/randoms by Marten

"Oh dream up a hot day, oh dream and be full"

"Everyone is struggling to attain happiness and avoid misfortune. From the commonplace affairs of individuals to the great events that shape the course of history, each is at root an expression of the human aspiration for ever greater happiness. How, then, does happiness arise?"

or even simpler:
"Everyone is struggling to attain happiness."

Why?
This is something that had been in my head for a while.
From this I have come to the following questions/conclusions:
1.Why is happiness a struggle?
2. We as human beings are all standing in the same unfortunate circumstance.

1.
Life is an up hill battle because the world we live in in completely backwards of our natural state of being. If things were in their natural order, would we be happy all the time. No I don't think so. But I think happiness would be much easier to attain.

It would be like hiking on a hilly path, instead of trying to climb mount Everest.

2.
If this desire is something common of all people. What happened?
Our instincts tell us to be happy, and seek joy. But our world seems to only be dragging us down.
Something is very wrong with this situation.
As humans we have a natural instinct for survival. So lets say you are standing on a sinking ship.
a. If we had no instinct for survival, we wouldn't mind just going down and drowning. It wouldn't mean anything. It would be like sitting through tv commercials, just watching something pass us by.
b. But we are made with a built in instinct that says "You're about to DIE! DO SOMETHING!" So we get up, swim away, even possibly drown other people for the sake of our own self preservation.

Similar to the instinct to survive we also have instincts for joy and love. Yet we live in a would where, if you try to pursue that, it seems like the world is against you.


anyway, just some thoughts.


Come let's be gentle, be soft in my arms
There's moonstorms been brewing and braying in the barns
Your mother is sleeping, I'll play my guitar
The twilight is keeping us close to the stars

Here's where the stories live, here with the peace
Oh the kindly ol' night wrapped warm in her fleece
Oh dream up a hot day, oh dream and be full
Of Orion, his bow, the plough and the bull

Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling

Go trust in their strength for these are your friends
And pledge in them now for their luck knows no end
The bull looks a meanie but he's on your side
And he pulls the plough which comes and divides

Put space in the heavens, Einstein's idea
And he's your friend too, so nothing to fear
Orion'll help there, his darts find the dark
And all you need do is watch for his mark

Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling

The suns and the moons and the galaxies far
Were cast from his bow before they were stars
Oh and the gap in-between them is nothing to us
Our eyes cut the distance as loving eyes must
From me unto you, son, from dust unto dust

Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling

Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling
Oh, my darling

"you kick my dog"

I ran over a dog yesterday.
That was weird.
The owner had the dog off it's leash and both of them were running across the street.
As a passed them the dog bolted backwards and I could feel a bump and heard a yelp.

The dog ran off, the owner ran after the dog, I sat in my car like "wtf just happened?"
"Do I sit here and wait for them to come back?"
"Should I attempt to follow them to make sure the dog is okay?"
"Should I leave a note on the ground?"

in the end I drove off.
Sorry little doggie.
Hope you are not dead.
Maybe you should get a better owner though.
just saying.

"i used to be an only son" - Shakey Graves

-Writing on phone so typos and stuff -

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream and will one day wake up in a hospital bed or something.
And everything i had known, never existed.
And I would spend the rest of my life knowing happiness and having that all stripped away.

I was dreaming about something similar last night.

In the dream there would be times in my life where I would slip out of my "coma" and get a glimpse of "reality". It would just be flashes of images. I would be eating dinner, drop a spoon, go to reach for it, and an image of a dark room and tubes coming out of my arms. But then flash, and everything would be back to normal.
In the dream this continues till one vision where I see a needle approach my nose, i look around, "doctor his eyes", "it's just reflexes", then a hammer hits the needle. Clink* and I'm stuck in this new room forever. Unable to move or talk, just rotting away with my thoughts of my previous life.
---

Maybe it's a subconscious fear, that one day I will lose the things i love most and be in a situation where I live with that loss
---
The friend I had mentioned in the previous post ended up passing away.
At his memorial service, I didn't feel sad for him, in one sense I was happy he could finally be at peace. But it was his family and especially his finance that I felt sad for. I saw her as I entered the hall, i could physically feel her pain, I started to feel a little sick and the ground felt unstable like a small earthquake just hit. I wanted to say something, but there is really nothing I could have said. When all your hopes and happiness are taken away words don't really do so much. I think if were in her shoes I would go insane with grief. Dying isn't the hard part, it's living with death that seems most difficult.

no music for this post

Someone I know is very close to death.

Well I guess he has been for quite sometime.

But it feels like this is it.

It's a strange feeling.

Trying to look back and reflect upon their life. 

I wasn't really close to this person. 

don't know. 

...

Eventually we all will die. 

Life can be looked at as an escalator slowly carrying you to your death. 

If that's the case, life is just about enjoying the time you have.

Making the most out of life. 

Creating meaningful moments.

Why get hung up on regrets, tomorrow there may simply be nothing left. 

...

I do believe in the afterlife.

Though it sometimes seems cruel.

We live our lives trying to make the world a less miserable place, only to die. 

Maybe get a pat on the back. 

Or "Well you had a good run, thanks for playing, try again next year. I mean try again never. Ever"

or if you do die with a heavy burden, "Try again, for all eternity. Thanks for playing."

....

If someone I loved died. 

Even though I know "life" goes on. 

I would be devastated. 

I don't think I could function. 

I don't think I would blame God.

Maybe I would blame myself.

....

well I hope you make it through.

I hope you and your family are. Well I hope for the best. 

sweater man

there was this kid in middle school who always wore the same sweater.
everyday.
I was always jealous of that kid.
he had it so easy.
"hmm... what am I going to wear today? HA! jk! I have my whole outfit set up for the rest of my middle school year" "pfff who needs alternating colors or designs."

yeah I wished i could do that.
but he beat me to it.
while he would have cool nicnames like: sweater guy, sweater kid, the sweater kid.
I'd be stuck with, poser sweater guy, Mr. latetotheparty sweater guy, it'saldreadybeendonebeforesoit'snotoriginalanymore sweater guy.
it was too late.

hmm..

I always find myself alot less driven during the spring semester. not sure why.
..


well I think that is all for now,
till next time.


I drank myself to sleep
Every night of last week
Then I walked to the Boscov's store
To buy a case of Crazy Horse

Then I dreamt I stayed in the Sterling
In the same bed as Kennedy
Then Jackie and Johnny and Caroline
Would ride up the mainline

Then the last stop's in Carbondale
Where John once found some German tale
And his Irish and German son
Wrote a story called "Killdragon"

It was a huge hit in the youth group scene
'Cuz it pledged, to all, celibacy

I saw him comin' (x4)

This year I'm gonna work on stability
This year I'm gonna try and keep my friends close to me
And I hope one day to have half as much of my grandpa's integrity
And I saw him comin'

I saw Kennedy in the hotel Sterling
And he told me everything that I knew we'd both been feeling
So we sat on the ledge and looked down toward the West

And that's where I drank myself to sleep
Just to get some company
That's where I drank myself to sleep
Just to get some company

(I saw him comin'...)

"jesus shot me in the head"

I heard people say "A man feels love when he is given responsibility" or "A man needs to be given responsibility to feel like a man."
I don't really agree with that statement.
For me it's the opposite, my ability to function and complete tasks decreases and I just tend to feel stressed. Even if  I am not doing those responsibilities, just the fact of having that weight is enough.
anyway.
Also I don't like the feeling of my actions being influenced by someone else. or my reason for doing something is simply because it was asked of me.
(it feels like someone is looking over your shoulder monitoring your actions)

I start feeling depressed, which I am pretty sure is not love.


I feel like i've hit a musical speed bump.
I can't seem to find an album that I like all the way through. Or even single songs that I really really connect to .

So internet, friends and that one random person from France. post me some of your favorite albums.






have a nice day

strawberry coca-cola

I had this dream last night where I was at a restaurant and people were fighting over the last few cans of strawberry coca-cola.

hmm. maybe new semester anxiety.






you breathe, you learn, you lose
you take, you break, you choose
and as you learn and cry
you do your best and try

and as the days go by
it makes you wonder why
you try so hard, so hard
to mend what's bound to fall apart

[Chorus]
ooh maybe it's time
to let it go
ooh maybe it's time
for taking it slow

ooh maybe it's time, time, time
for anything at all
time time time to let it all fall
where it may
[/Chorus]

and as the world goes on
you try to walk and sing along
and hope some things will stay
and every tune that you play

[Chorus]

ooh...
ooh...

and as your life goes on
you deal with what comes along
some friends, they come and stay
some leave and go their way

ooh...
ooh...


have a nice day

Saky's Finest

A depressing documentary about young-men trapped in a cycle of nothingness.