not the most exciting place online
a place for my brain to hide
Tuesday, June 3, 2025
summer time blues
Thursday, January 2, 2025
Sunday, May 15, 2022
2022
Friday, February 14, 2020
cut a hole into my skull
Sometimes I get this feeling of immense dispair, or maybe it's more like dread. It's like this feeling that something bad is about to happen. That just around the corner my life will change for the worse.
Sometimes the feeling is more a thought. It's something like "nothing good lasts" "happiness is fleeting" "you've been happy too long and the bad stuff has been building up. It'sabout to come crashing down."
Eventually the thoughts fade. But I know they are still there. Biding their time.
Hmm, ...
Souvenir by boygenius:
Dreamcatcher in the rearview mirror
Hasn't caught a thing yet
Twenty dollars in souvenirs
Anything's worth trying
To stay out of your nightmares
Few hours in your dream last night
Always end up dying
You said because of course I did
Always managed to move in
Right next to cemeteries
And never far from hospitals
I don't know what that tells you about me
Pulling thorns out of my palm
Working midnight surgery
When you cut a hole into my skull
Do you hate what you see?
Like I do
Songwriters: Julien Rose Baker / Lucy Elizabeth Dacus / Phoebe L. Bridgers
Saturday, November 9, 2019
james
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Spooky night
At a Halloween party in Italy.
Thinking to myself, how did I get here?
There are other awkwardly present people, but they have seats. I had a seat, but me reservation expired.
So now I stand. As smoke and bass surround me.
There are also many drunk Italians, so that's always fun.
.........
Some time has passed.
I have found a seat, so prospects are looking up. Smooth sailing from here.
Now I just need to look busy, and very interested in my phone.
I guess this club is kinda high class or something. There are a good amount of tough looking security guards. And I think I ran into them a suspicious amount of times. So now I see them watch me as I walk around the venue.
....
Sometimes I'm amazed at my wife's ability to convince people to do things they have previously swore they would never do. In this instance I'm referring to a friend she is currently dancing with. Friend since yesterday swore she would never get on a dancefloor, especially in front of other people. But here she is dancing the night away; surrounded by numerous sweaty Italians.
Amazing.
........
Checking work emails so far is passing some time.
I'll keep you posted of any updates Internet.
.,.....
Bench is being over taken. Would move but no other non reservation seats. Maybe I should try sad make some new friends.
....
Reporting in.
Just saw a middle aged man. Angerly talking on the phone and smoking. He walks very deliberately to a near by plant and looks at some leaves. He then grabs a handful and briskly walks away.
Stay turned for more exciting events.
Reporting out
.....
My cover sitting at the bench have left.
While I'm now exposed in a sense; I'm able to keep reporting without worrying whether or those Italian guys could speak English.
Back to reporting.
.....
Drunk Italian, young male. Curly hair. I'm worried he is in the vomiting drunk state.
He moves close to my bench. I watch with caution. Ready to dodge any projectile vomit that may come my way.
He has left. Defcon alert set to normal.
Close one.
......
Italians seems to be very proud of their butts. Lots of very high waisted pants that cause the buttocks to almost magically rise as if weightless, but at the same time full of weight.
......
I just saw two dwarfs enter the exclusive party room. I kinda want to peek in and check it out.
.......
Sunday, July 7, 2019
"merry spritzmass"
Sometimes I find myself wanting to do more.
I want to pursue music or drawing, but whenever I get the time to do so I find myself not doing those things.
Instead it's easier to watch a movie or play videogames.
I think part of it is the emotional and physical investment into creating something. Even though I enjoy it, it does take energy to do.
Or I'm I just getting lazier?
.....
I've also noticed that my emotional/social capacity is much lower than it used to be.
I find myself not having the desire to interact.
Can I remember feeling the "want" or at least a general positive outlook on being around people, but recently I don't know. If given a choice between being alone or being around others, as of now I would choose alone.
Not sure why.
I know that I've always enjoyed solitude, but this feels different.
Maybe I'm just getting lazier. Emotionally.
But it kinda feels like I just didn't really care anymore. Is that indifference?
Maybe.
But at the same time I do care immensely about those closest to me.
🤷♂️
......
On a lighter note.
I recently read the script for Blade Runner. The 1980something film. So much better than the film. That being said I've only made it through the film once, but I've attempted to watch it many times.
The script feels very much like a scfi-noir, but the film seems almost afraid to go into the noir deep end. Which I can understand from a financial standpoint. Noir's aren't blockbusters. Most people don't like that style.
But for BR, I think it fit perfectly. The whole story is about questioning what it means to be human. It's life given or do we choose life?
To me the script is a self reflection and a quiet meditation into the human condition. While the film comes off as loud. (I had other words in mind, but my brain is currently failing me). At least that's what I remember from the film.
.....
Well I think my sleep is catching up with me and my thought transfer is deteriorating. So I will stop here and end this post for now.
Blooop. Beep.